Do you know the feelings when you think you are sick (your head is likely to thinking but actually you are not.. everyday), then one of your best friend is dead because of anonymous reasons when he slept, and one day, the insurance company called you and offers some insurance for insurance money if I die between 3 months period. I feel like dying. I even thinking to accept the insurance money if anything happen to me. But in the end I hang the phone up just for being an optimist person that I'll live longer than I can't imagine.
Do you know that illness somehow is a mindset. If you feel sick, so you do. If you think you will die, it will happen to you too. So, truthfully, I'm so frustrated with myself, I don't know how to make this feeling gone. I feel insecurity. I feel like I can die tomorrow morning when I fall asleep. Nobody can predict what happen :(
I write this blog with speculation I will die in these 3 months but if it's not happen, I will really live longer. I should. I hope this feeling is forever-gone. Too much stressed, pressured, bad things happen on this weeks. At one point, I hate myself of being a coward : I'm afraid of death. I supposed to be a chill person : if you're meant to death, you will do, no one can help you for it. The funniest thing is, I need help now. I even laugh at friend's opinion about the Air Asia accident. She choose Garuda than Air Asia to Singapore because it's not save. This friend said if she dead on plane because of accident, at least she tried her best to avoid it. If I can turn back times, I think I shouldn't laugh at this opinion.